Carlin Rules (and not politically correctly either...)

[Carchar]

1) New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

2) New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain, Lobster?

3) New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

4) New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this stuff at the supermarket. Water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
flavored water.

5) New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
he may be gone. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.

6) New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge jerk.

7) New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.

8) New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual,
you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.
You're just high.

9) New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

10) New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

11) New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

12) New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear
"27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

13) New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
every available piece of visible flesh. If so, then plan your future around
saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

[DCTravelAgent]

Very funny!! Thank you!

[Ned]

Thanks for the post Carrie. Carlin's one of my all time favorite stand-ups. He sees through BS so well most of the time and is superb at turning situations upside down.

[jjjenny]

Very funny and so right!