A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a column on ten types of airline passengers and asked readers to come up with some of their own.
Did they ever. Here are five more airline passengers you’re likely to meet.
1. Mr. Smart Consumer – from “Hapgood”
Refuses to subject himself to the hassles and indignities perpetrated by airlines and the TSA that make air travel an ordeal, unless he has absolutely no other choice. He uses the Internet and video teleconferencing to replace as much business travel as he possibly can. For vacations, he does careful research to find delightful destinations close to home or accessible by train, and returns home refreshed and relaxed. He has lower blood pressure and less stress-related illness than airline passengers.
Well said, Hapgood. In addition to changes in how business customers conduct themselves during this period of skyrocketing airfares and high fuel costs, “staycations” are all the rage. As my colleague Chris Jernigan reported in his article Breaking: moochcationers hit the road — grab a raincoat!, many alternatives to the traditional vacation surfaced as well.
2. Ms. High Anxiety – from “Jasmine”
I might add Miss High Anxiety to the list. She means well, but like Ma and Pa Kettle, she doesn’t have a lot of flying experience, and so every time the plane makes a noise, she puts a death grip on her arm rest and yelps or asks her seatmate “Is that normal?!” Not the most common persona, but I’ve met (and spent a whole flight calming) one or two of these before on flights I’ve taken.
You’re right, Jasmine. And make sure you don’t order cranberry juice when you’re seated next to Ms. Anxiety. When she decides it’s time to grab your arm in sheer panic because someone rings the flight attendant call bell, you’ll wear it. Stick to Sprite Zero; it’s not sticky and it doesn’t stain clothing.
3. Mr. Let’s Make Friends – also from “Jasmine”
And an annoying cousin of Mr. Loud Talker is Mr. Let’s Make Friends, who is not only a loud talker, but is seated next to you and wants to tell you everything about himself and learn everything about you, despite your open book and/or feigned sleeping.
I always bring a book with me when I travel. I recall vividly one of my not-so-polite moments as a non-rev (airline employees are always supposed to behave deferentially and courteously to customers when traveling on their flight benefits). I boarded at the last minute, as employees flying stand-by usually do, and sat in one of the few remaining aisle seats on the flight. The woman next to me turned to me and said “Oh, goody, a seat-mate. I’m a talker.” Without skipping a beat, I whipped out my book, looked her dead in the eye, and said “Oh? Well, I’m a reader.” I wasn’t too proud of my behavior, but it did earn me two hours of peace and quiet.
4. Mr. BlackBerry. – from “Phil”
This guy is Ms. New York’s brother. ALL business. As soon as he sits in his seat the blackberry comes out and phone calls are made. The flight attendant has to tell him to turn off his phone three times to which he nods OK each time before he ends the call. Then … he starts emailing. This guy has the ability to have one eye on the phone screen while typing away but the other eye can shift around looking up and down the aisle to make sure the attendant isn’t approaching … and when a crewmember does approach, he turns the phone over or hides it under a leg, just to pull it out again. A lot of the time he will also be typing away while the plane is picking up speed down the runway for take off and knows when to hit send before the signal is lost until landing. During final approach the phone is turned back on waiting for the signal to come back strong to resume business. This guy is very sneaky as he also always remembers to turn off the mobile phone’s ringtone so as not to alert anyone he’s breaking the rules.
He’s kind of like the geek who wears his Bluetooth when he’s not in the car; some people love to look like they are important. Just like Will Smith (AKA The Fresh Prince) in Parents Just Don’t Understand, perhaps Mr. BlackBerry was “[picking up] my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking.” I wonder if Mr. BlackBerry is trying to impress the beautiful girlie girl like The Fresh Prince is in the song?
5. Mr. Laptop – another entry by “Hapgood”
Don’t forget Mr. Blackberry’s brother, Mr. Laptop. As soon as he settles in his seat, out comes the laptop so he can continue his Important Work. He grudgingly turns it off when ordered for takeoff, but resumes the Important Work the moment the crew announces arrival at 10,000 feet. He then turns around and commands the passenger in back of him to lower the window shade so the glare won’t interfere with his Important Work. I have to assume that most people who receive that command immediately recognize both the importance of the work and the importance of Mr. Laptop, and obey instantly.
But once, when Mr. Laptop commanded me to lower the shade, I smiled and said no. This was apparently the first time anyone failed to comply. He sat there completely frozen for at least thirty seconds, apparently unable to decide how to react to this unprecedented insolence.
Window shades are a surprisingly controversial topic. Hot-natured people want them lowered. People who want to see the [usually bad] movie or who want a glare-free screen like Mr. Laptop want them down. Scenery gawkers want them raised. Honeymooners want them lowered. I’m not kidding – you can use your imagination for that one.
Personally, I prefer them up before takeoff because I’m convinced that if I don’t verify the flap and slat settings personally, the plane will crash. And we know it’s all about me.
Thanks to all of those who submitted their ideas. If you’ve got any more, or an idea for a future column, let me know!
